Dear EMily,

I love you. I’ve loved you since Dr. Janiak first introduced us. I was young, naïve, and awkward. You were sexy and exciting. I couldn’t get enough of you.

I knew that our relationship would be difficult. You told me you would be demanding and difficult and unpredictable. That’s what pulled me in.

I love the crazy things that go on in your house, and I love how you roll with it.

I knew that our relationship would be difficult. you told me you would be demanding and difficult and unpredictable.

I knew that you would always live with your father, and I figured he would always be the same nice guy. I’ve tried to think of the best way to put this, but it’s like trying to pick up a dog turd by the clean end.

So I’ll just say it: Your dad is an ass.

He used to let us party and enjoy the company of your friends. If we wanted to lock the door for a few hours, he didn’t care. If one of your friends was being difficult, we could boot him out on his ear and not have to write some long apology the next day.

You know, he’s just using you for the money.

If it were just your dad, things would not be so bad. But the dudes who hang out in the parking lot are nasty.

We used to be able to run them off when there were only a few. Now they’re like cockroaches, except they don’t scatter when you turn on the light.

I’ve seen them come right up to one of my friends and whack him over the head with a briefcase heavy as a HIPAA. They held my buddy, Rich, down for days and didn’t let him up until the cops finally came by and told them to get lost.

The guy I really can’t stand is your father’s brother, Sam. This guy thinks he owns the place.

He makes impossible rules, changes them more often than his underwear, and tells everybody in the neighborhood to come party for free. Don’t you think it’s time for him to bring the chips and beer and pay the cable bill every once in a while?

Your uncle is a drunk, too. He can’t control himself on a good day, and lately he’s been on a delusional binge. He thinks he hit the lottery. I saw him giving away cars down the street last week. Who does he think is going to pay for all that?