Armed with my new pain scale, I returned to my showering assault victim. I learned about his assailant: a large flat piece of concrete that, though nonmobile and firmly attached to the Earth, managed to give our showering hero a face hug.

Him: My pain is a bunny. Wait, no not man enough. I’m at least a goat.

Me: At what pain level do you think you would feel comfortable? Don’t you want to be a jaguar?

Him: Heck, yeah, I do. Give me something to eat and some Vicodin, and this jaguar’s good to go.

Me: Have some Tylenol, and we’ll compromise at woodchuck.

Back to Jimbo.

Me: How’s your pain?

Jimbo: My what?

Me: Your back pain, remember? How do you feel?

Jimbo: I’m a Komodo dragon!

Me: Glad to hear it.

See how much better that feels? No one wants to be a chinchilla. Granted, the scale might have to be adjusted for 8-year-old girls, crazy cat ladies, or My Little Pony enthusiasts (a.k.a. Mel Herbert). Pretty soon we can all be making statements about patient pain that make us all feel better.

“Ma’am, I understand you’re currently a piglet, but with a little medication, we’ll make you a T-Rex in no time.”

Dr. Brandt is an emergency physician for GREMG in Grand Rapids, Mich. Currently his pain level is velociraptor. Please send any questions or comments to BrandtsRants@gmail.com.