Come on, I know you have them. The lists! You know, the lists of goofy baby names that you can’t believe that supposedly coherent people would give their little bundles of joy. Pretty much every hospital I’ve worked at has had one of these lists. The ED can be extremely stressful at times, and we all need a little comedy to realize that we can’t sweat the small stuff. These poor kids have to live with these horrendous names for the rest of their lives.

First, there are the “really?” names. The ones that make you say, “Really?! They named you that? Poor kid…”

Some of the ones I know of include Shi-thead (yes, really), Yersinia (her nickname can be Black Death), Abcde (pronounced ab-sa-dee), Female (pronounced like tamale, except with an F). I’m sure you’ve all seen more and probably worse.

The coup de grâce is La-a. “The dash is pronounced,” the indignant mother told the nurse. “La-dash-a.” Seriously? Would you pick a lawyer, doctor, or accountant named La-a?

I suppose my aggravation with goofy names comes from my own experience. Yes, Lisa is a pretty common name for someone born before 1975. In fact, Lisa was the most popular girl’s name for the entire decade of the 1960s.

But grow up with a last name like Munsch, and you realize how much you want to minimize your child’s aggravation. I mean, not only was my last name Munsch, but I was at least a head shorter than anyone in my class. Yep. Munchkin.

Also, no one could ever spell or pronounce Munsch. I realize it’s weird and German. But it was really frustrating to have to correct EVERYONE. Now I’ve married into Bundy. My husband always says, “There was nothing wrong with my name until that stupid TV show. Oh, and the serial killer.”

This brings me back to my frustration with people who purposefully GIVE their children weird names. There are the NICU names: Destiny, LaMiracle, Amiracle, and Nevaeh (heaven spelled backward). And there are the preppy “Muffy and Buffy” names. These would have been good names for the rich villains of John Hughes’ 1980s movies, such as Blair, Blaine, Madison, Braylen, Braxton, MacKenzie (for girls – “Mac” means “son of”), and Kathie Lee Gifford’s choice: Cody. I can’t picture a 50-year-old ex-Marine named Cody, or Kodee.

There are also names that normal people would spell one way, but to be “unique,” parents spell it in a way that makes no sense. For example: Jackson is a pretty common name for a boy. When it’s spelled Jaxon, Jakson, or Jaxson, that child will have to spell his name for EVERY person for the rest of his life. Life is complicated enough!