Denver was a great choice for this year’s Scientific Assembly. I enjoyed meeting many of you there. When I return from the meeting I always wonder why I don’t go more often. I have fresh ideas and renewed energy to teach and practice. I’ll try to get to Seattle.

I flew from Detroit because I prefer to fly non-stop, which is a misnomer because you do stop one way or another. While half ignoring the pre-flight instructions, I thought how great it would be to have patients and their families listen to a pre-recorded message before entering the ED. It might go like this:

Hello. This is your doctor speaking. I thank you for choosing East Armpit Medical Center. We know you have a choice in hospitals and appreciate that you have put your trust in us.

Before we begin your care, there are a few items to review. Please put down your cell phone, iPad, Sudoku book, or tabloid newspaper and pay close attention.

Our highly trained nursing staff came to work today for your safety and possibly to assist in saving your life. While they are happy to provide for your comfort, their primary purpose is not to serve as your waitress or personal assistant.

We are a non-smoking hospital. If we catch you smoking your nurse will open up a large can of whoop-@## on you. Then we will ask you to strip naked, remove all your belongings, and leave you to freeze in an ill-fitting threadbare gown.

If you should hear the fire alarm, pay no attention. We never do. It rings for no apparent reason on a regular basis.

If you see doctors and nurses moving rapidly to another room it means that person is probably sicker than you are. This is not the Piggly Wiggly. Just because you were in line first does not mean you will be checked out faster than the person that turned blue four back in line.

If you feel like eating or drinking: don’t. Check with us first.

If you have chronic pain, you are in the wrong place. If your doctor sent you here, feel free to tell him to stop doing that. Just as you would not go Victoria’s Secret for a shoe shine, you should not come here for treatment and coordination of your long term pain control. If there is some other concern, we will be happy to address that. Otherwise, Tylenol or Motrin.

If you have a toothache, you are in the wrong place. If your dentist sent you here, give us the phone number so we can yell at him. We are not dentists. We don’t do dental x-rays, pull teeth, or replace fillings. If there is some other concern, we will be happy to address that. Otherwise, Tylenol or Motrin.

If you missed your dose of methadone … you know the drill.

Your nurse will provide you with a call button. Please state your request succinctly and allow time for us to finish CPR before getting you a turkey sandwich. Please keep track of how often you hit the button. On the 5th hit you will receive a non-fibrillating electric shock.

If you arrived with a suitcase, this does not guarantee admission any more than buying a subscription to People magazine guarantees you will win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

If you are here for a pregnancy test, work note, school excuse, or medication refill, just say so. Don’t make us spend 45 minutes and $500 to legitimize your hangover. Two final words…Dollar Store.

Enjoy your flight and be happy.

Dr. Baehren lives in Ottawa Hills, Ohio. He practices emergency medicine and is an assistant professor at the University of Toledo (Ohio) Medical Center. Your feedback is welcome at David.Baehren@utoledo.edu.